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How to maintain a secure relationship after marriage?

In Rio de Janeiro, there lived a man called José Datrino, better known as the prophet Gentileza, who used to say that GENTILEZA GERA GENTILEZA.

Inspired by him, I say: Respect GENERATES respect.

It's no news that respect is the basis of any solid relationship, not just in marriage.

And in relationships in general, family, friends, work, we need to identify it so that we can change it.

That's why respect for your spouse is fundamental, and sometimes it can be difficult to see the situation.

Because cultural differences become clear when you live together.

Cultural upbringing, family, temperament, you name it.

Considering culture, for example:

One was brought up in one way, the other in a different way, one has a functional family, the other a dysfunctional family.

For example, someone may have a structured family and therefore have attitudes and behaviors in line with emotional and family maturity.

Sometimes they have rigid attitudes, based on the internalized family model.

The other, on the other hand, has an unstructured family and, as a result, has misaligned attitudes and behaviors and is often unprepared for marriage. They put themselves in the place of a son or daughter, rather than a partner.

Let's look at another example: She came from a rigid, organized family, and as a result, she grew up to perceive herself as detail-oriented and careful, while he did not.

Faced with a situation, it is necessary not only to identify the dysfunctionality, but also to respect the other person's limits and try to help them in any way possible, through a loving and respectful dialog. Communication is essential as a lever for change, bringing harmony to the relationship.

Do you know what your strengths and weaknesses are?

Knowing yourself and your own needs helps you to communicate clearly with your partner.

When you are aware of your own feelings, desires and limits, you can express them in a respectful way, avoiding unnecessary conflicts. Sticking together through a conversation, a dialog.

I bring you an episode as an example:

A couple got into a disagreement on the way to an event, where he was the speaker, he spoke A and she understood B and vice versa, the wife had the discernment to instead of continuing the discussion, prefer to talk at another time. Then they sat down and talked!

It's important to consider each other's values and respect their differences - this is one of the keys to a healthy relationship.

Respect begets respect.

Respecting the limits of each other's individuality, anything too much suffocates (control, insecurity, telephoning, etc.) Do you agree?

Another important aspect is to respect intimacy, which is different from individuality, which is made up of choices.

Example: The fact that he chooses to play soccer once a week or she chooses to have tea at 5pm with her friends is a way of nurturing intimacy, something that is healthy for him.

It doesn't mean that this choice invalidates their affection for each other. We need to have space to come and go!

Just like when choosing food, clothes, etc.

The fact that one is organized and punctual doesn't mean that he or she is boring for being so.

Or the other has integrity and excellence as values. It's important to know each other's values.

Another aspect is respecting your spouse's family of origin, in order to build a relationship of balance and harmony and to protect the marriage (parents, siblings, sisters-in-law).

Learning to treat each other's families well.

Families gain a new member, they don't lose a new son or daughter.

One contribution that helps us think about this is the book "The 5 Love Languages", a concept developed by the writer Gary Chapman.

According to him, there are five main ways in which people express and receive love:

Words of affirmation:

You are special, you are important, etc.

Quality time:

Setting aside time to be together, whether it's watching a movie, talking, exchanging ideas, answering questions

Gift - Example Roberto Carlos, leaving a note for his beloved wherever he went lol.

Gifting that sandal his wife saw in the shop window and liked, or that shirt he said he'd buy when he got it! lol

Acts of service - putting yourself at the service of the other person inside. Taking care of the other person .... Being of service, always available for the other person whenever possible.

Physical touch is the exchange of affection and warmth.

To maintain a secure relationship, it's essential to know your partner's preferences when it comes to these love languages.

For example, if your partner values words of affirmation, remember to praise, appreciate and encourage them often.

If quality time is important to your partner, dedicate quality time together, without distractions, to strengthen the emotional connection.

When you make an effort to build a more secure relationship, it's expected that this will generate the same feeling in your partner - after all, it all starts with respect, my loves.

Respect is the basis of everything.

I recently read a very interesting article on the BBC Brasil website about 6 toxic phrases that can be avoided to make a relationship healthy.

They are:

1. 'You're crazy / You're exaggerating / You're too sensitive'

2. 'I was joking'

3. 'You made me do it / It's all your fault'

4. 'If you loved me, you'd do this / let me do this'

5. 'Everyone agrees with me, except you...'

6. 'The real problem here is this this this this ....

This is a tactic to try to change the subject and divert the focus of the conversation, according to the Harvard psychologist.

Link to article:

Constructive, respectful conversations can strengthen a relationship and prevent wear and tear.

Ask yourself these questions:

What attitude does your spouse have that bothers you?

What do you do that bothers your spouse?

Communicate clearly and respectfully that it bothers me, sometimes the other person doesn't know you're bothered.

It's important to express your feelings and needs, but also to listen to what your partner has to say.

Effective communication involves listening attentively, without interruptions, and avoiding criticism or personal attacks. Remember that you are together to grow and develop as a couple.

In addition, it's important to identify the strengths and points that can be improved in the relationship.

Recognize your partner's strengths and praise them. This will strengthen their self-esteem and the bond between you.

On the other hand, it's important to approach the points that can be improved with delicacy and empathy.

Reflect on this and ensure a life together with maturity and understanding. If you feel the need, seek professional help from a doctor, psychologist or analyst.


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